Weekly Musings....and maybe some rantings and ravings!

Hello from the Sanctuary~

I'm feeling a little melancholy today. It is cooler here in Michigan around 50 degrees and cloudy. May weather. Life has been hectic lately for me...emotionally and spiritually. I am not in the turmoil I was in 3 years ago but I still am in isolation from the world but trying to claw my way back into the thick of it. And by no means am I being held prisoner here...it's been a long isolation due to being wounded from the world I seek to explore once more. I am cautiously optimistic that I can regain my space amongst the normal population and live fully immersed in my role in society. I have been on hiatus from so much of my life and it feels like a weight on my chest and Soul. I have from time to time been there to help others with end of life care, mainly the critters as they are less dramatic then the people...but I need to emerge and have the spiritual sunlight on my soul once again. But I am trepidatious about my journey forth so, I am slowly climbing from my cave out into the light and bringing lots of baggage with me to share with the world. Because without baggage one cannot fully be inspired on any given journey. I have always supported the saying "In your deepest wound lies your greatest power" and I believe that to this day. I have wounds, I have deep effing wounds that I thought were healing but had found, and still finding that they were in need of a good cleansing. Spiritual Medicine is needed by healers so much more often then we give to ourselves because we always fix them before us. And then we become toxic to the point we may find ourselves in the 'dark night of the soul' or a spiritual crisis. Please note that this toxicity is a catalyst to heal if you accept it for that. I have had both situations arise and may still be there in some ways but I accept my process because I believe in the challenge that will eventually temper my sword.

I have battle scars from myself, loved ones, trusted friends, spiritual acquaintances and life in general, it all can be very overwhelming when you feel it's the world against you. I don't have too much support as I have been the support for others most of my life. So what does one do when you have been the 'hold your own gal' and find yourself in the midst of a emotional crisis or spiritual upheaval? Ah, yes, that is the query...the one that I never thought I would have to face alone. And it is something I thought that if I did find myself in that place I would have support because I had always helped others and I thought give and you shall receive right? Yea, not so much. My journey through the covid isolation, my intense perimenopause and menopause transition along with the deterioration of my relationship with my partner...it was a huge mid life crisis. I still don't know how it got so chaotic and then got toxic but it did. And here I am. Aged like a fine wine that sat in the sun way too long and the cork just couldn't stay put. So this week I am trying to get on with things, namely here on my website like I have been promising for way too long. But I didn't delay due to laziness it was because my own personal needs tripped me and made me take my own advice~ Healer Heal Thyself = To Thine Own Self Be True ~

But what hurt the most and made me feel so obsolete is when I finally knew that I needed to reach out to someone to talk to, to discuss my fears and my needs as I battled with all of these emotional challenges and changes,,,well, when I reached out to those I felt I could trust and that were capable of assisting in general support and in mental wellness I was really left wanting. I reached out to an acquaintance to see if there family member could help out here at the sanctuary to do a little physical work and upkeep with the critters because I was unable due to a flare up of my spinal issues and Mike was recently diagnosed with a inguinal hernia which kept him from doing many chores efficiently. I humbled myself and asked for help and to this day I have never heard back from this person or the family member I inquired to hire for the help.....that was 3 years ago. We don't ask for help much because we know and understand that everyone has a chaotic, busy crazy life and we never want to take some ones attention off what they are facing and causing a deficiency in their lives but we really needed the help and were left in silence. So my reaction was to just wall up and not try to ask for help because that just lead to no outcome after the effort. And because we don't trust many people after years of being taken advantage of, being betrayed or lied to by those we trusted...you kind of become very overly selective. That truly is a good thing for the most part in life...being too trusting in others can take so much from you and it may become dangerous with some choices. So my heart was heavy from that let down.

I then reached out to someone who was a social worker/counselor and a friend,, or so I thought. I don't have many friends because of being hurt and bullied from an early age by so called friends so I have always been cautious about who I let get close to me. And this person I did and they too seemed to be un yielding in their support. I told them I was struggling with being so isolated and having the challenge of my relationship ending after 34 years, I needed to talk to someone, to just interact with someone outside of this space. They seemed to be endearing and said they would love to visit with me more often to help. At the time our 2nd vehicle was down and Mike travels for his work so I was left with no transportation or very limited on availability. So that made meeting with me a little more difficult I suppose. After our initial meeting here they obliged to visit in a few weeks when they would be in the area for work again. But the next I heard was a text saying that we could chat on the phone while they were driving in between clients, That is all well and fine but in my head it was not going to be that supportive as how aware are we really while driving and trying to do something else at the same time. I know that I can't fully immerse my mind in a conversation while driving. I have never done a reading or a consultation while driving unless they needed my support and comfort in an urgent or emergency capacity ( I usually pull over and give them my full attention and comfort ). It feels superficial. I felt that it was nice that this 'friend' was trying to offer but it also made me feel a little estranged with the situation. I closed them off feeling hurt but never heard a thing from them since. I wondered how good of a social worker are they if they never follow up after someone reached out for help?

So I put another wall up. I was angry, heartbroken, felt betrayed, felt stupid for opening up and trusting them to ask for their help. I am an intuitive I should know who to trust right? Well during times of emotional upheaval the tea leaves get a little muddied as you are in a fight, flight, or freeze scenario! So now in my isolation I was walled in to try to protect myself from those that I asked for help from. Such a precarious place to be and know that I was not alone. I know that there are many of you that have had these situations emerge in your own journeys in life. It really stings you in the heart and soul. I was wounded, I recognized I needed support because I was overwhelmed and I reached out. And I stayed within my walls of perceived safety and protection. When you are dysregulated emotionally you try to just keep from creating any more conflict you may have to deal with. And here's the rub~ both of these people and a couple others I reached out to, I had spent hours and hours of support through spiritual talks, spiritual readings/advisement and emotional investment for them. Comfort care through their trials, challenges and life ups and downs. I wondered why I wasn't good enough to have that respect given in return when I was in need? Yep, some of you have been there I know. Some of you may of been on the other side and didn't respond. Either way, we make our decisions and by the intentions behind those decisions we find our future path in life. I asked myself why they didn't respond in kind? Maybe they were not able to and just didn't share that honestly? Maybe they felt life they would be too busy and could not assist? Maybe they were lazy and rude? Maybe they truly would of made things worse for me in some way and it was a protective causation that was being put into play? Who the Eff really knows, I could of kept speculating on the "whys" but I had to move on cause that would just keep me in a very unhealthy mind set. I needed to heal not fester. I have not spoken to either one of these people in this whole time. I have felt that they were there to help me not so much in the way I originally thought but they certainly gave me a truth to digest. I am sad that they could not have been more communicative about things but I now know who I am to them and that is like gold to a person like myself.

So please know that even if you ask for help as hard as that really may be for you, and you don't have a comforting hand reach back, you are still a powerfully strong person under all that pain. Support may not come in the form you think you need but it is there and will lead you to the path that is truly healing. Keep your chin up, keep trying as you are worth it! I love you for you being here and sharing this journey with me. :)

And so when I say that I am cautious~ I am truly also optimistic that these small steps of creativity and storytelling will be a benefit for myself and hopefully many of you beautiful readers. So the Sun has begun to peek out as I have written these musings...A sign that brighter times are ahead? But I know from life the clouds will come again...so take the light and balance it with the dark and you will be able to weather so much more than if your life was happy and carefree all the time! Life punches are a pain the arse but balance is key to getting through those times. I have managed to get here with very little to almost no support of which I will share more in the future musings, but it can be done. You can survive even when you feel you cannot. You are braver than you give yourself credit. You are beautiful.

With Love, Magic and Awen~ Madame Aine /|\

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~